When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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