No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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