Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
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I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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