I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize