He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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