Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize