I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
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The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
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Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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