Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
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Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
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i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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