Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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