When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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