So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize