can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
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He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
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I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
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I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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