Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
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I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
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His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize