Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
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shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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