i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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