1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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