so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
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At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
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I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
If I die, sorry about rent.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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