i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
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He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
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It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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