Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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