We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
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My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
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She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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