Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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