Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I cut my penus on the lid.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
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Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
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The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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