90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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