totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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