I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
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I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
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The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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