so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
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My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
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if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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