is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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