Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
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I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
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Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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