So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
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The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
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I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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