So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You ate ashes out of my bong
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize