Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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