My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
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I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
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The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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