I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
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I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
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If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
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