I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
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Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
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He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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