If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
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It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
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Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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