I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
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Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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