You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
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At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
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The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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