can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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