what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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