you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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