you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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