Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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