At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
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My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
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I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
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