I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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