That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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