So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
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I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
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The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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