just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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