I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
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She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
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I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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