I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
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You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
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Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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