Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
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He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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