non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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