Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
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Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
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I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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